a silent tear's confession

and so this day still come...although i never hold any records of having relationship but still the day when i had to face my inner self came.

maybe he still doesnt understand...

i cannot express my inner thoughts verbally..no i cant.and i cannot let others face who i am really inside,and i cant even bear to face ME myself.
and so this do irks him,i guess.coz he will never be able to read what i am thinking about.

i dun blame him anyway...

maybe he doesnt understand by what i mean time is running up for me,what i mean by i am scare of june or i dun wanna find any jobs.

its not really about how much i detest the working world,coz eventually i will have to be there.

but...i have so many things in mind yet...i have so many things in mind that i wanna do with him...i know when july comes,when he begins studying and me working...things will not be too much the same.at least time wont be.
we will spend time worrying and doing different things altogether, and god knows what will happen then.

how can i slip into his comfort of love like i cant be myself anymore?

god...i am forever this insecure...as if this is one thing rob off me when i come to this earth.

but i can not spend june with him anymore...coz i know...my dad is expecting me to look for a job.and here comes the day i have to bear that responsiblity.

and may is coming to an end.

i am NOT angry about him having to go to trainings and work,if he thinks i am.well..initially maybe i was..but this is not my real concern.i think i am not an unreasonable person yet.

but every of his committment would draws more and more time from me or us.
the time would be shorten so much...and it would be june already.

i cant bear to think of...the day..when im working in the day,he is studying in school.and when i knock off,he has to go to trainings and/or work.

i am not angry for these are the commitments he must have.his life isnt all just about me only.

i am selfish...suddenly i really want him to belong to me only.i only want his time to be twinged with mine.but the more i realised how much i want him, the more dependent and perhaps,in love i am with him.
if this is what love is.

i am scare....should one day...i have get accustomed to the insecurity or the lil time we would have together,i would become what Yng perhaps is.
or maybe even worse,if i cant be bothered anymore.

what are such fears for?they are not even coming yet,and may not even come.
but really,i aint much of the 'come what may' person.i wish i am,so im happier perhaps.

these days....
i have been really treasuring every single minute and second he is standing besides me.every pulse of warmth his hands passed to mine.every moment of his tender kiss.every ...and every of his hugs.i am looking into his eyes so much lately,i realised i never really did that.i wish he could see the gal crying inside me.i wish he can smoothe all the insecurites inside.all..i see in his eyes..are the pair of eyes i never really look into.

i am scare...very soon...i would lose all the things that i am able to do now...or perhaps..little by little..everything compromise by time.

"i understand..the kind of love i want..will spoilt me,just like a child,lying in your arms and being pampered.
the kind of love you want...is not only dependent,but also like a big boy,sunshine and rainfall,live freely"
--- (loose translation)

i wish upon ending here, would also end my tears for the night.